Got Gas? Easy Ways to Thwart Digestive Problems

On USA Weekend today, there was a short section on various home remedies to relieve your digestive distress. Allow me to share these strategies with you in case you have these problems but secretly deny having them. I mean, we all have released one or a dozen silent fart balls in public, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes not. With these strategies, you can prevent from a loss of public image. I will share the "scientific" home remedies as well as the homegirl remedies to provide you with an abundant selection to choose from.

Got Gas?

Home Remedy: Eat a teaspoon of olive oil on an empty stomach each morning to prevent gas.

Homegirl Remedy: Eat oil? In the morning? Well for some people, applying on their make-up is their main concern. While others need to wash off the left over jizz on their hair, my strategy for getting rid of gas is to take 5 tissue papers, fold them in half, spray 3 squirts of Febreeze, and insert them in between your ass. This way, you can mask the smell and sound while still having the liberty to fart all day long. Out of tissues? Toilet papers, handkerchief, or a new sponge works great as well.

Ate Something Bad? Stomachache?

Home Remedy: Get ready for this one. Mix a teaspoon of baking soda with 4 ounces of warm water, then drink it.

Homegirl Remedy: Baking soda? Measuring water? This all sound too much like a science fair experiment. An easy ancient Asian method of relieving stomachache is by stepping on someone back. Simply lay flat down and have a heavier person than you step on your back. They should start from the top near your neck and move down right above your ass. You don't want someone too heavy for this remedy, so ask a hot coworker or put a craigslist ad if you have time to spare. This will relieve your stomach pain and hey if you like feet, it can also turn into an erotic and pleasurable session.

Not Happy with your Bloating?

Home Remedy: Squeeze the juice of half a lemon into a cup of hot water and enjoy.

Homegirl Remedy: This technique is fairly simple; however it lacks the fun. For the HG remedy, find a reliable friend with a clean mouth. Squeeze lemon juice into their mouth, have them gargle it (to make it warm), then ask him/her to spit the juice in your mouth. To thank your friend, get out your favorite lube, lay on your back with your legs up in the air to declare your ready position for anal sex. This will definitely relieve all your bloating problems.

CCCCCCoooonnnnstttipppatttion?

Home Remedy: Drink 2 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar twice a day with 8 ounce glass of water.

Homegirl Remedy: Apple cider vinegar? Hello I am saving that for Thanksgiving. Buy a load of spinach and eat them for the entire day (spinach sandwich, spinach shake, spinach salad, spinach creme brulee, etc...). You need the fiber intakes to breakdown the constipation sensation. If you absolutely hate spinach, try broccoli, swiss chard, or green peas. If you hate all of these options, just have anal sex until you want to throw up... maybe you can release the unwanted food from your mouth.

Take a Bow - As sung by Madonna?

Several report that President Obama displayed weakness by bowing to Japan's Emperor, Akihito. And in return, it tarnishes Japan's image by conveying weakness in Japan's terms.







People just read into things WAY too much. I mean, it could be worse - if the bow involved this type of action, then chatter is more justifiable:

Snatch that Wig

Poor Home Girl.

Is this equivalent as when Kanye West ruined Taylor Swift's moment at MTV's VMA Awards? I mean, Home Girl was stripped of her crown, and wig! Look for the girl ready to attack with the heels on the right side:

Asian Twink - I refuse to be labeled that!!!!

Someone approached me the other day in disbelief that I am not Chinese, that I didn't come from Hong Kong or Taiwan. I wasn't offended or anything - initially. Keep in mind, I have nothing against anyone from there, but I knew where the discussion was heading; I am an Asian Twink and that I love to sucky sucky any white older guy twice my youthful age. UGH. So many reasons why I am not a twink! And no, I am not stereotyping Asian Twinks are only from Hong Kong or Taiwan. The truth is Asian Twinks are found everywhere!!  You can't hide from them!..

Reasons why Chez (Bitch, it's Shay) is not an Asian Twink:

(Working list, will add more. Suggestions? Leave some in the comments. Better yet, if you are an Asian Twink, just describe yourself)

1) I am not a under 100lbs. The wind blows, I am still standing up. My waist size? 30! Not <22.

2)I do not strive to achieve cheap-ass bleached orange-wanna-be-blond streaked hair, with long bangs. It's not split down the middle, to the side, to the side and up, to the side and up and around, back up and down...

3)I do not dress in bright colored clothing acting to be either: a) a wanna be gangster or b) a Harajuku girl or c) a character from Pokemon

4) Moan, cry and scream in agony when having sex; or make quiet, subtle, chirping sounds of pleasure during sex. Have you seen any asian porn???? 

5) Whether when I shower, engage in youthful activities requiring nudity, my body is not pixelated. Don't get this concept? Again, watch Asian porn...

6) My Ipod playlist does not entirely consist of songs that I cannot read or understand; and is not 100% techno based w/ lyrics that don't make sense. I mean, Bad Romance by Lady Gaga is at the top of my list!! Ra-Ra-Ra a Ra a, Ro-Ro-ro-O-Mance, Ga-Ga-Ah a Ah a

Just in case there are people who don't know what kind of creature an Asian Twink is, here are some visuals:

Split hair, down the middle to serve old man's foot??

Twinks in Action, if I showed the whole image, you'll see two boney bodies thrusting in action. But of course, this blog is PG-17

Bleach much? Daily school outfit? 

Yes, Bitch grew out her bangs, bleached them, set-up her camera to take a picture of herself in a car

 

God, how long does it take to do your hair?? I'd rather be eating and gaining weight to keep my waist at 30

I see why they sensor that shit!

Asian Twink embracing his Twinkness, and his Twinky. Ugh...

So now you have an idea of what an Asian Twink is. For those readers who have this perception of me, you definitely thought wrong. People fight for end world hunger, world peace....I fight to debunk the perception of me being a twink! I should get a No-Twink Prize!

Dictionary.com has this definition of a Twink:

gay slang for a cute young thing with nothing upstairs

How to use the word in a sentence:

No, Chez is not an Asian Twink; he weighs more than 100 lbs and does not serve white older men's feet; his hair is not split nor bleached; and is not pixelated.

Let me cocksearch you!

<- I came across this ad while stalking people on facebook. Rather than finding the updates on who is fat and who is not from fellow "friends" I was distracted by this deceiving ad. I wasn't sure if the ad was promoting online sex freebie or to perform an oral, I mean background check on your date. Lets get real, my landlord didn't even perform a "criminal" background check on me. I don't understand. Is it bad to date a criminal? I think it might be kind of hot. I mean he has own up to the image of badass boy of the town. Don't you want to be the badass boy's gurl? Then again, I don't want a black eye. The only crime in my book is if your date wears Uggz or masks herself/himself with cologne purchased from Walgreens. Other than that, you're good to go.

To do a background check for a date is too much work, I don't even want to pay my portion of the meal on the first date, let alone pay for a criminal background check. Can I just check how big he is downstair? I will do a cocksearch in a hurry. To take it a step further, I will even go down in the restaurant table discreetly, cop a feel, and return to my seat ready with my order in 69 seconds. And the best thing about cocksearch is you get instant result. Your result won't be lingering in an office waiting for you to pick up unless your date is over the age of 55, in that case you will need to tell him to make friends with the pharmacist. There are two results for cocksearch: "gimme gimme" or "damn your weewee is tiny." Allow me to show you the emotions with the help of google image:

Positive Result (Gimme Gimme) vs. Negative Result (Damn your weewee is tiny)

Sex After 60 - Cheap Household Products to Achieve Proper Maintenance and Cleaning

I was talking to a woman, at least in her 60+, about her life. She's divorced; has two kids; lives alone w/ a pet cat. What's she missing? Sex. When was the last time she had sex? Well, she couldn't quantify the date. That's a big sign that it has been a LONG time ago, eons ago! So we go on to discuss what she needs to be able to pick up her life and add some spice to it. How would she be able to have a guy come over and park his limo in her garage? We did a little brain storming and came up with some tools that will get things going. Perhaps, once things become functional again, men would respond to her craig's list ad. 

Industrial Plunger:

Price: $7.99 at Staples HERE

Toilet Brush (and look, what a cute discrete shape. People will think it's only for cleaning toilets)

Price: $14.95 at Amazon HERE

Obviously, these tools are to remove:

Once the storage unit has been rid of the spider webs, one must consider some lube to ensure the garage door works without squeaking:

Walgreens Warming Liquid Lubricant for $5.49

Astroglide Personal Lubricant for $10.49

ID Sensual Glide for $9.87

And for safety, don't forget the condoms!

Condoms with free shipping! Different varieties for cheap! HERE

Happy spring cleaning to all those ladies out there 60+ and looking for fun!

Sun & Sea

If you are residing in California, did notice how hot it was today? The temperature recorded up to 83F. Due to the surprise heat, I cannot tell if we are looping back to summer or heading toward winter. Should I put on my peacoat or bust out my white speedo? I really can't decide. How many days has it rained this year alone? I figured not very much. The sad thing is... I think I have seen far more cocks compared to raindrops this year. Does that make me slut? No, it does not. The weather should rain more. Maybe I will do a rain dance tomorrow with jazz hands and gayish kicks in hope for rain to spread across the land. Wow, I sure sound like a goddess holding on to mighty power, and by power - I am referring to the disco stick.

Back to the important issue, I think we are heading toward global warming. (Don't roll your eyes at me) A few years ago, I could care less about global warming. I mean the idea of earth heating up was quite silly. I just thought we had an extended summer. And I was way too busy catching up with Samantha's sex life in Sex in the City and anxiously waiting for the day that Justin and Bryan be together as one to care about "environmental issues". Overtime, I reduced my gayness intakes and started learning about my surroundings. In reality, I don't really mind the ice melting. In my ideal world, we would all be mermaids and mermans swimming in the sea singing songs with lobsters and sea horses. I wonder how it would feel like to have sex under water. How would one produce semen under sea? Would that be considered as water pollution? Worthy PH.D research questions.

Moving on...

Word of the day: orgiastic - meaning sexually aroused, displaying excessive interest in sex.

Sample Sentence: As Ariel learned to walk, she developed an orgiastic sensation as she approached her companion's bed.

Adam Lambert and boyfriend split, boo who?

So it was announced officially that Adam Lambert, American Idol runner up this past season, has split with Drake LeBry (who??). Details are never provided when break-ups occur, but the same general, cheesy statements are always used. It goes something like this: "The break-up was mutual and without animosity. Both remain friends and still care for each other.” Homegirl, please. Knowing the reason for the break-up, there would be no friendship, no hospitality. Moving on would be the easiest. 

So, no other blogs I've read have been able to determine the cause for the break-up. Well, you are just in luck because I know the reason. I mean, it's speculation, but it doesn't take a biochemical molecular scientist with a PhD with two Nobel prizes to see why they split. Click HERE for details. 

So, knowing what I know, you can see why the break-up was inevitable.

Do you need to tas?

What is tas? Let me present a scenario to set the scene. You go out with a group of your closest homegirls and after looking and debating over 10 different entrees, you finally picked a worthy dish to suffice your appetite. You eat, drink, and chat to partake in the social event. After the meal is over, your friends continue to share their latest life story while your stomach starts to churn in hope to tas. Tas is my secret code word for "take a shit."

I really had to tas tonight when I was out with a group of friends. We met up at a local eatery and pigged out on gourmet burgers, bottomless steak fries, and fancy fruity drinks. Don't be fooled by these enticing food because by the time the meal was over, my bottom was screaming for release. I really needed to take a tas. However, I fear public bathroom. I am afraid to interrupt my friend sharing time by getting up for a quick release (not that release pervo!). While I can just fart out air balls to relieve my bloating stomach - I can't guarantee that they will be silent or loud air... or worst... what if it wasn't air but actually shit? For these fears, I hold it in and continue to give off fake smiles, unnecessary nodding, and interrupting with irrelevant comments. Because lord knows, once you fart aloud or shit in your pants, you might as well withdraw from your saving account and move to a third world country. Why? Just ask yourself, do you want to be friends with a constant farter or dirty pants shit taker?

So how do you avoid the urge to tas while dining out with your friends, chilling at the club, or going out on a date? I urge you to eat before going out. You should pig out at home, tas, take a shower, put on your sluttiest outfit and off you go to a pleasant bloating-free night. Otherwise, you will have to make a quick escape to the nearest drug store for Tums. The decision is yours. I would just eat at home and order a safe dish like soup or water at the restaurant to avoid the urge of having to tas.

Please stop.

No this is not an equestrian preparing to hop on his horse. I will let you decide which is the horse. The image here is seen on one of Tyra's latest shows. I have been reading a lot of ghettoness from the Tyra's Show. A few weeks ago, she had some lady junk removed from her trunk, made a lady put mayonnaise all over her face while wearing her bra for $200, and now strutting her moves on a stripper's pole. Is Tyra running out of creative juice? What's in her head? Concentrated dumb juice?

Though I get the vague connection that Tyra is linking these random acts for woman empowerment, but these actions do not scream for women empowerment, it screams for embarrassment. Do you think a real woman would put mayonnaise while wearing her bra as a mark of pride? I would feel like an idiot. Honestly, the only woman that is empowerment women is Lady Gaga.

Speaking of women, Chez taught me a sophisticated word a few weeks ago and I think we should really need to include it in our everyday vocabulary:

Word of the day:

A débutante - defined as a young lady from an aristocratic or upper class family who has reached the age of maturity, and as a new adult, is introduced to society at a formal presentation known as her "début".

Sample Sentence: Tyra is pushing debutantes into the alley of wackness.

Pet Therapy

Where I work pets are used for therapeutic reasons: close gaps (prejudice/interracial/inter-generational/etc.) between individuals by establishing commonalities; alleviate symptoms of depression and isolation; relieve stress; etc. I don't have a pet currently, nor do I really want one at this time. Why? Well, I'm quite too selfish with my time. Aside from work, I have hobbies and interests in life that I would like to spend time immersing myself in - although I have not been too satisfied with the actual amount of time I've put into them - for various reasons.

As I was getting ready to head to the gym at 4:30AM, I received a picture text from a close friend of mine. So kind to think of me at such early hours, huh? With blurred vision, I make my way to read her message. It goes something like: ...world's most dangerous snake. Colors may vary from pink to black. It's fangless. It usually appears in bedrooms. Usually attacks lower abdominal areas. It's highly venomous; can cause swelling, up to 9 months. Stumbling to the bathroom, I was kind of curious - would these snakes ever invade my bedroom? What would I need to do to kill it. Take a look at the picture. AhA! Well, it may seem that I have certain immunities. Swelling of nine months? nope - immune-ed. However, can cause burning of eyes and throat if not properly evaded.

Towards the end of the day, exhausted from work, I was able to make the connection between work and the snake. I totally see how pet therapy works. It does close gaps between differences: it brings together the pinks, whites, blacks and yellows... or so I've seen in movies. It takes away depression and isolation. And the end result: stress relief. Second thought, I think I'll look into owning a pet, or two...three...five. I wonder what the policy w/ snakes is where I live?

Warning, not for the those with a weak, conservative heart: Show and Tell Pet.

Bon Appetite

Gossip Girl vs. Gossip Gay

I have never seen a full episode of Gossip Girl nor do I want to. Because in the real world, I am a gossip girl myself. It would be like watching myself on TV. But with the recent man to man kiss between Ed Westwick and whatever his name is... My no no became curious. I never found Ed Westwick to be hot or desirable, but after hearing his manly voice on GG, I want to melt into his arms as he read me a bedtime story.

As for the "kiss," it was totally TV-Y7. I have seen a better kiss in Disney Snow White. It was such a tease. It was like showing someone the no-no area for 3 seconds and cover it up with a towel. Totally unfair.

Judge it for yourself:

Also, if there was a gossip gay version, the conversation would be something like this:

Chez: Can you believe that Jake swallowed?

Tomee: No way, I tried that last time and I ended up throwing up on the 400 thread count sheet.

Chez: Totally embarrassing.

Tomee: Totally.

I know you have...

I can admit that I have checked out the "Men Seeking Men" section on craigslist and I know you have too. Don't deny it. Though I never respond (tempted but no), I find the ads entertaining and even at times, exotic. I am glad craigslist is a promoter of free sex. Those people who host or travel are the venturesome individuals who want to get some to get off. They do not settle for jpgs or mini sneak preview clips, they go for what they want. I say more power to them.

From all posters in different cities, there exists a common theme in search for daddies or straight married men. Oh, just thinking of it put me in the mood to look for a married man myself. Do such creature exist? Would you even want a married man when you know his no-no has slipped into to another female no-no? Just thinking of this, makes me want to say no-no. But if they have big arms, maybe I will reconsider and give them a chance.

Sometimes, you can almost read their personalities through a few short sentences... For example, those who post with ALL CAPS, I would imagine to be the big macho construction worker type who is not looking for a sissy trick but a rough buddy for man to man fun. Either that or he is Kayne West.

Not only are these people creative in their posts but also in their catchy titles that scream for "click me, pick me, dick me." They are not shy about their sluttiness or horniness, they proudly type it out and even post xxx pictures. Here are a few samples:

Do you need some oral attention?

Needing to explode

Looking for a hung top to plow my ass.

Wow these titles are quite arousing. I am tempted to make up an e-mail account and respond some of these ads.

Do you host or travel?