If only it was a sale for men... wait, that's prostitution

I came across Nordstrom Anniversary sale ads and I was particularly interested in the models more than the clothes.  Damn, these guys are hot.  Most of these guys are or were models for Dolce & Gabbana, thus I recognized their faces.  Holy Mother, these guys are delicious.  The fashion is not that bad too.  Way to go Nordstrom, good clothing and hot models - now that's how you succeed in marketing.  When these guys go on sale, please feel free to inform me, wait that's illegal (I still would...)

No More Penis For You

The title of this post might sound like something my friend would say to me if I misbehaved, but that is not the case in this entry.  A woman in Garden Grove, California chopped off her husband penis because he "deserved it."  So that is the short version if you don't want to read the rest of the entry.  Woman chopped off husband's dick because he deserved it.  Damn no joke.  

Homegirl, Catherine Kieu Becker, homegirl ain't tricking me at all with that  fancy American first name.  Being Vietnamese myself, I know she is 100% Vietnamese, not on the basis of her picture, last name but more of the tool she used to chop off her husband's dick.  She used a 10-inch kitchen knife, all Vietnamese ladies have one including myself.  More importantly, is this the same knife used to chop off beef to make the broth for pho?  Did she wash the knife before cutting off his dick?  Will she use this knife again?  Lots of question here... but I must continue with the reporting.

Homegirl, like the witch in Snow White, started her plot by poisoning her husband.  She mixed an unknown substance into his food to make him sleepy.  What is this substance?  MSG?  Concentrated fish sauce?  Che ba mau (google it)?  So he fell asleep and woke up tied to the bed (here is where you play S&M by Rihanna feat. Britney) bleeding nonstop because his dick is chopped off.  Homegirl did not stop there, she also cleaned up.  How?  By throwing the junk down the garbage disposal.  Let me repeat that again, she threw his dick down the garbage disposal, she even turned on the garbage disposal.  My mom does the same thing with left over food... just dump it down the garbage disposal and turn it on while continuing to wash the dishes.  Did Catherine finish off the dishes in the sink too?  Parts of the penis have been recovered and taken into UCI Medical Center.  For what?  A mosaic?  scrapbook?  Gluing it back with a hot glue gun?  Submission to the Smithsonian?

More on the couple, they have filed for divorce in May because she was not pleased with his manhood, I mean irreconcilable differences. The only irreconcilable difference now is the gender of her ex-husband. A poor dickless guy? man? boy?  Well at least he will have more time in his day from not having to pee or masturbate.  These events consume so much time in my day.

Where is homegirl now?  She is in the kitchen isle at Ikea buying a new knife.  She is contemplating between purchasing a 10 inch or a 12 inch.  I say go for the 12 inch knife, the bigger the better.  No, she is locked up under the following charges:

  • Suspicion of aggravated mayhem - nothing suspicious at all - nothing at all.  
  • False imprisonment - look what a little s&m bondage session can do to you!
  • Assault with a deadly weapon - if you call a 10-inch knife deadly, then yes - or just her favorite kitchen knife.
  • Administering a drug with intent to commit a felony - we still don't know what the drug is... it could be MSG, dried lemon grass, or she simply is a bad cook.  
  • Poisoning - maybe it was her first time cooking this dish?  can't they give her a break?
  • Spousal abuse - you mean the dick cutting part?  That is just a little warning!!!  Like a squeeze in the cheeks or a slap on the wrist.  
Homegirl is not speaking and she is on a $1 million bail.  Motive is unknown and investigation continues.  We will update you with more details when I am done cleaning the garbage disposal.

Have you seen these Asian Girls?

I really don't know where anime artists find their inspiration to draw Asian gurls with giant blue eyes and overripe melons.  I have not met such Asian girl in my entire life.

Well you might say, hello stupid it is a cartoon, get real, get a life...  But as the inquisitive person that I am, I can't help to question their motivation.  What is their inspiration?

I love the perfect face, spotless skin, four-edged star pins, thin eye brow, fitted top to secure oversized mangos - everything I want on my face and body.  Sadly I do not have it - not even the star pins!!!

Even the depiction of innocent school girls shares the same features... chacha as big as their head and hair that resemble aloe vera...  where can I find such asian gurl in real life? 

When I was in high school, girls at my school can never get their eyes that big, unless they are in line getting hot Cheetos.  And their boobs were no where near developed.  

Oh and look at this girl- choosing to not listen to her mother and going out with unsecured bra and a weapon hidden behind her back.  Where is she going?  The only valid reasons for having an unsecured bra are (1) preparing for a shower and (2) sexing it up in the bedroom.  I do not see a shower head or a bedroom background, I see trees and skyscrapers.  No idea what she is up to...  But love her star pins.  

If I did such things (walk out of the house topless), my mom would take away my house keys and in this case sword too, ask me to put on her homemade pajamas, and go to my room and do my homework.  None of this nude tanning in the park bullshit.

But these AZN girls have it all - they are my role models.  Here is when I will sing "When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls.  

They're Just Like Us

Here's sweet home Alabama and America's sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon shopping in West Hollywood. But like all of us commoners, she inserts coins in the meter to avoid a $35 parking ticket fines, $120 in a "No Parking Anytime" zone (Don't ask me how I know!).

Wow, I did not know that Hollywood stars have to feed the meter, they are just like us.  Well, more like, they are just like you because, the Asian that I am cannot parallel park to save my ass.  I rather park a mile away and walk to my destination to avoid parallel parking.  Life is that hard for me.

Photo Credit: JustJared.com