Got Gas? Easy Ways to Thwart Digestive Problems

On USA Weekend today, there was a short section on various home remedies to relieve your digestive distress. Allow me to share these strategies with you in case you have these problems but secretly deny having them. I mean, we all have released one or a dozen silent fart balls in public, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes not. With these strategies, you can prevent from a loss of public image. I will share the "scientific" home remedies as well as the homegirl remedies to provide you with an abundant selection to choose from.

Got Gas?

Home Remedy: Eat a teaspoon of olive oil on an empty stomach each morning to prevent gas.

Homegirl Remedy: Eat oil? In the morning? Well for some people, applying on their make-up is their main concern. While others need to wash off the left over jizz on their hair, my strategy for getting rid of gas is to take 5 tissue papers, fold them in half, spray 3 squirts of Febreeze, and insert them in between your ass. This way, you can mask the smell and sound while still having the liberty to fart all day long. Out of tissues? Toilet papers, handkerchief, or a new sponge works great as well.

Ate Something Bad? Stomachache?

Home Remedy: Get ready for this one. Mix a teaspoon of baking soda with 4 ounces of warm water, then drink it.

Homegirl Remedy: Baking soda? Measuring water? This all sound too much like a science fair experiment. An easy ancient Asian method of relieving stomachache is by stepping on someone back. Simply lay flat down and have a heavier person than you step on your back. They should start from the top near your neck and move down right above your ass. You don't want someone too heavy for this remedy, so ask a hot coworker or put a craigslist ad if you have time to spare. This will relieve your stomach pain and hey if you like feet, it can also turn into an erotic and pleasurable session.

Not Happy with your Bloating?

Home Remedy: Squeeze the juice of half a lemon into a cup of hot water and enjoy.

Homegirl Remedy: This technique is fairly simple; however it lacks the fun. For the HG remedy, find a reliable friend with a clean mouth. Squeeze lemon juice into their mouth, have them gargle it (to make it warm), then ask him/her to spit the juice in your mouth. To thank your friend, get out your favorite lube, lay on your back with your legs up in the air to declare your ready position for anal sex. This will definitely relieve all your bloating problems.

CCCCCCoooonnnnstttipppatttion?

Home Remedy: Drink 2 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar twice a day with 8 ounce glass of water.

Homegirl Remedy: Apple cider vinegar? Hello I am saving that for Thanksgiving. Buy a load of spinach and eat them for the entire day (spinach sandwich, spinach shake, spinach salad, spinach creme brulee, etc...). You need the fiber intakes to breakdown the constipation sensation. If you absolutely hate spinach, try broccoli, swiss chard, or green peas. If you hate all of these options, just have anal sex until you want to throw up... maybe you can release the unwanted food from your mouth.

Snatch that Wig

Poor Home Girl.

Is this equivalent as when Kanye West ruined Taylor Swift's moment at MTV's VMA Awards? I mean, Home Girl was stripped of her crown, and wig! Look for the girl ready to attack with the heels on the right side:

Asian Twink - I refuse to be labeled that!!!!

Someone approached me the other day in disbelief that I am not Chinese, that I didn't come from Hong Kong or Taiwan. I wasn't offended or anything - initially. Keep in mind, I have nothing against anyone from there, but I knew where the discussion was heading; I am an Asian Twink and that I love to sucky sucky any white older guy twice my youthful age. UGH. So many reasons why I am not a twink! And no, I am not stereotyping Asian Twinks are only from Hong Kong or Taiwan. The truth is Asian Twinks are found everywhere!!  You can't hide from them!..

Reasons why Chez (Bitch, it's Shay) is not an Asian Twink:

(Working list, will add more. Suggestions? Leave some in the comments. Better yet, if you are an Asian Twink, just describe yourself)

1) I am not a under 100lbs. The wind blows, I am still standing up. My waist size? 30! Not <22.

2)I do not strive to achieve cheap-ass bleached orange-wanna-be-blond streaked hair, with long bangs. It's not split down the middle, to the side, to the side and up, to the side and up and around, back up and down...

3)I do not dress in bright colored clothing acting to be either: a) a wanna be gangster or b) a Harajuku girl or c) a character from Pokemon

4) Moan, cry and scream in agony when having sex; or make quiet, subtle, chirping sounds of pleasure during sex. Have you seen any asian porn???? 

5) Whether when I shower, engage in youthful activities requiring nudity, my body is not pixelated. Don't get this concept? Again, watch Asian porn...

6) My Ipod playlist does not entirely consist of songs that I cannot read or understand; and is not 100% techno based w/ lyrics that don't make sense. I mean, Bad Romance by Lady Gaga is at the top of my list!! Ra-Ra-Ra a Ra a, Ro-Ro-ro-O-Mance, Ga-Ga-Ah a Ah a

Just in case there are people who don't know what kind of creature an Asian Twink is, here are some visuals:

Split hair, down the middle to serve old man's foot??

Twinks in Action, if I showed the whole image, you'll see two boney bodies thrusting in action. But of course, this blog is PG-17

Bleach much? Daily school outfit? 

Yes, Bitch grew out her bangs, bleached them, set-up her camera to take a picture of herself in a car

 

God, how long does it take to do your hair?? I'd rather be eating and gaining weight to keep my waist at 30

I see why they sensor that shit!

Asian Twink embracing his Twinkness, and his Twinky. Ugh...

So now you have an idea of what an Asian Twink is. For those readers who have this perception of me, you definitely thought wrong. People fight for end world hunger, world peace....I fight to debunk the perception of me being a twink! I should get a No-Twink Prize!

Dictionary.com has this definition of a Twink:

gay slang for a cute young thing with nothing upstairs

How to use the word in a sentence:

No, Chez is not an Asian Twink; he weighs more than 100 lbs and does not serve white older men's feet; his hair is not split nor bleached; and is not pixelated.

Do you need to tas?

What is tas? Let me present a scenario to set the scene. You go out with a group of your closest homegirls and after looking and debating over 10 different entrees, you finally picked a worthy dish to suffice your appetite. You eat, drink, and chat to partake in the social event. After the meal is over, your friends continue to share their latest life story while your stomach starts to churn in hope to tas. Tas is my secret code word for "take a shit."

I really had to tas tonight when I was out with a group of friends. We met up at a local eatery and pigged out on gourmet burgers, bottomless steak fries, and fancy fruity drinks. Don't be fooled by these enticing food because by the time the meal was over, my bottom was screaming for release. I really needed to take a tas. However, I fear public bathroom. I am afraid to interrupt my friend sharing time by getting up for a quick release (not that release pervo!). While I can just fart out air balls to relieve my bloating stomach - I can't guarantee that they will be silent or loud air... or worst... what if it wasn't air but actually shit? For these fears, I hold it in and continue to give off fake smiles, unnecessary nodding, and interrupting with irrelevant comments. Because lord knows, once you fart aloud or shit in your pants, you might as well withdraw from your saving account and move to a third world country. Why? Just ask yourself, do you want to be friends with a constant farter or dirty pants shit taker?

So how do you avoid the urge to tas while dining out with your friends, chilling at the club, or going out on a date? I urge you to eat before going out. You should pig out at home, tas, take a shower, put on your sluttiest outfit and off you go to a pleasant bloating-free night. Otherwise, you will have to make a quick escape to the nearest drug store for Tums. The decision is yours. I would just eat at home and order a safe dish like soup or water at the restaurant to avoid the urge of having to tas.